Facing the Beasts

"We're going on a bear hunt,

We're gonna catch a big one,

What a beautiful day,

We're not scared.

Oh oh!

Mud,

Thick, oozy mud.

We can't go over it,

We can't go under it,

We've gotta go throught it!

Squelch squelch, squelch squelch"

~ unknown

Awhile back I watched Benh Zeitlin's wonderful film, Beasts of the Southern Wild. In this fantasy, set in a mythical Luisiana bayou community, six-year old Hushpuppy's growing fears take the form of prehistoric beasts called aurochs. Gigantic boar-like creatures with long snouts and even longer tusks, the aurochs haunt Hushpuppy throughout the film until, in the end, she turns and faces them head on. Hushpuppy is one of the strongest female characters I've ever seen in a movie. She is imaginative, resourceful, fiercely loyal, determined, smart, and philosophical. If I weren't 45 years older than she is, I'd say I want to be like her when I grow up. ... What am I saying?! I STILL want to be like her when I grow up. I particularly want to tap into her courage when she stares down the beasts in her world, both real and fantastic. I've got a couple of beasts of my own in need of a good staring down.

I have to get a divorce. And I have to find a higher paying job. I've been separated for over a year and struggling financially for most of that time, so you'd think I might have figured this out by now. I guess I needed to go through a certain amount of grief and frustration before I could take action. But the time for action has most definitely arrived. And I am acting ... at roughly the pace of a two toed sloth, but I'm acting. Maybe I'm being hard on myself. This is hard stuff after all. But I think I've been relying a tad too heavily on two of my favorite defense mechanisms lately: Denial and avoidance. Evil twins, really, denial and avoidance are working in lock-step to distract me from turning and facing the beasts of divorce and job hunting.

I am of the if-I-just-ignore-it-maybe-it-will-go-away school of problem solving. For those of you who are wondering how this is working out for me, let's just say it's not the most efficient way to approach life's challenges. Every once in awhile it actually does work though which, like a random Las Vegas slot machine jackpot, only serves to reinforce this behavior. For instance, a couple of years ago my Toyota Sienna needed a new battery. I kept putting it off and even had to jump start the car a couple of times. Then, one sunny afternoon at the end of my work day, I was slammed into by a car running a stop sign. My Sienna was totaled. Sure, this left me with much bigger transportation problems, but I didn't have to deal with that pesky battery anymore. Problem solved! See how logical this approach is!

I took an online personality test today, just for fun. It rated me as 42% neurotic. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I thought I was at least 75% neurotic so naturally I was relieved. But if I am a mere 42% neurotic on what is surely a scientifically reliable psychological test (I mean aren't these things spot on in determining what Disney character, dog breed, and ice cream flavor one is?), then why am I behaving so neurotically when dealing with divorce and job hunting? I know what I have to do. I can identify the next right step on both paths; I'm just having the tiniest bit of trouble actually taking those steps. I tentatively put a toe out, but can't quite get my footing.

Today I decided to write this blog post as a creative way to avoid doing anything concrete about the divorce and job search. I hoped that writing about it might help me understand my denial and avoidance a little better. And I think it has. Much of what was revealed in this process is not new information to me. I spent the better part of my twenties and thirties in psychotherapy and got a Master's degree in clinical psychology to boot. I'm happy to say that time and money did not go entirely to waste! I am on a first name basis with the demons that tend to hold me back and trip me up. But what this process has done is help me figure out how to move forward.

I've got a lot of people in my tribe, and many of them have been incredibly supportive and patient with me this past year. -- My dad, my mom, and my boyfriend, for instance, are all deserving of knighthood! -- But I think I need even more hand holding. It's hard to admit I can't do it all on my own, but it's time to screw up my nerve and ask for more help. I need to ask my people to assist with specific tasks that seem insurmountable to tackle alone, but probably not that hard with a little help. I need to invite friends over for coffee and problem solving. (I'll even bake cookies.) I need to brainstorm over a cold beer with a friend or five. I need pep talks, advice, and swift kicks in the butt now and then. I need to text or call someone every day to ask if I'm doing the right thing. Just for today. And if I'm not, I need to listen when they tell me. I need to have potlucks and happy hours to celebrate small victories and show my appreciation. And I need to remember every single day how lucky I am to have so many loving, patient, joyful people in my life.

I may be 42% neurotic, but I know I have a pretty darn good life. While I tend to rely too heavily on denial and avoidance, I also turn regularly to faith and gratitude. I have enormous faith that I will be able to face down and move past these beasts. And I have even more gratitude for the many people who will help me. Life is all about obstacles. You can't go over them; you can't go under them; you can't go around them. You have to go through them. But nobody ever said you have to go through them alone.