Big Feet

"Life doesn't make any sense without interdependence. 

We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, 

the better for us all."

~Erik Erikson

Until I was three years old, I lived with my college aged parents in a two bedroom house the size of a postage stamp. The beauty of that house was that the front door was about twenty five yards away from the back door of my grandmother's house, where all things good in my small universe could be found. Four of my uncles and one aunt still lived at home. I was the first grandchild, the first niece, so I was pretty much constantly adored -- every need instantly fulfilled, every wish granted. It was a pretty darn good life until my parents decided to cut short my reign by moving to a bigger house15 miles away, and then, without asking my permission, having another baby. Really. What could they have been thinking? But that's for another post.

My uncles (who were teenagers and young adults at the time) doted on me. They teased me, they let me have candy before dinner, they carried me around and told me stories. When I was a little older, they made me root-beer floats and let me watch Star Trek with them. They played basketball. They wore black Converse high-tops when Converse high-tops were considered serious athletic shoes. Out in the world, they were reserved, a little shy. But in the bosom of home they were boisterous, ravenous, a source of constant entertainment for a little girl. My uncles took up a lot of space in my grandmother's little house. The air was charged with their energy and I was fueled by it, sometimes literally propelled by it.

Standing on my uncle Ronald's feet, my back to his body, my hands reaching up behind me to hold his hands, we would march around the house, my legs propelled by his, my hands held firmly in his grasp. I loved the sensation of moving under HIS steam, not mine. I relished being literally supported by this young man I adored and looked up to. When he stopped walking, I begged for more. And when he grew tired of this game, I sought out uncle Tom or Donald to pick up where Ronald left off. As I look back and try to name this experience, I think what I was feeling was connection, an understanding that I wasn't going to have to navigate this crazy, confusing world alone.

It's funny how easy it is to forget that though. On bad days -- like when I didn't get either of the two jobs I interviewed for even though I was absolutely brilliant -- I can so easily fold inward into self pity and sometimes even secretly enjoy my little pity party (not to mention the self-righteous party favor that comes with it). Good stuff! Really healthy. But the truth is I'm never alone. I've got a great family and I'm pretty darned good at making friends and finding community for myself. I've got a California King sized blanket of love to wrap up in. So when I'm too tired or scared to take another step on my own, all I have to do is look down. Usually I'm standing on someone's feet. All I have to do is reach up and take their hands.

Worth A Thousand Words

"Ack!"

~ Bill the Cat

Many years ago, when I was a young woman, naively searching for the perfect man, a friend of mine brought Prince Charming back from Disneyland for me.  As is the case with many famous people, he was shorter in real life than he was on the screen. Actually, he was about four inches tall while down on one knee. And he was made of porcelain. I put him on my dresser. Now that Prince Charming lived in my bedroom 24/7, I could focus my energy on finding a partner who actually existed in the real world, someone with gifts and flaws and humanity. I could stop trying to find a man to "save" me. I had my Prince Charming. Now I could start looking for an equal partner. -- At least that was the theory behind my friend's small porcelain gift.

I'd like to say that Prince Charming changed my life, and that my relationships with men were all healthy and balanced partnerships from there on out. This would be a bit of an exaggeration ... Oh alright, it would be an outright lie! But Prince Charming WAS helpful. Ultimately, externalizing this emotional longing for the perfect man -- capturing him in a metaphor -- did help me to see how unrealistic and destructive this longing for a "prince" to come along and save me was.  

I was thinking about Prince Charming earlier this week when my boyfriend, Chuck (who is pretty darned close to Prince Charming in my book), reminded me how powerful images and metaphor are in dealing with our inner demons. I am an anxious person. With help from the miracle of modern pharmacology, self-awareness, and mindfulness, my anxiety is for the most part manageable. However, every now and then something will happen to cause my anxiety to spike to uncomfortable and potentially debilitating levels. I feel a little like a speed freak at these times, unable to focus on any but the most mindless task, my thoughts an omelette of fear, distortion, and self doubt. This level of anxiety also triggers one of my favorite defense mechanisms: Avoidance. I have a master's degree in avoidance! It's not a pretty picture, though I'm pretty good at hiding the inner turmoil from the outside world.

I needed an avatar for my anxiety this week, a way to externalize it and face it outside of myself. That's when I remembered Bill the Cat, from the Berkeley Breathed comicstrip, "Bloom County." Bill the Cat -- wild-eyed, disheveled and completely unhinged -- was my man, the perfect image of what my fight or flight anxiety felt like (and who I feared people would discover was the real me!). The best thing about Bill though is that he made me laugh. When I was feeling particularly anxious I would imagine peeling Bill the Cat off my chest or my back one claw at a time. He helped me to laugh at myself. And I don't know a better remedy for anxiety than that!

I carried around another image with me this week too, this one inspired by my friend, Sarah: Wonder Woman. Sarah told me that before a job interview she would get into Wonder Woman stance to get in touch with her inner strength and power. I LOVE that. So, while Bill the Cat clung to my chest, Wonder Woman became the wallpaper for my iphone. Every time I used my phone, I was greeted by the superhero of feminine power. And when I could throw Bill off of my chest for awhile, I would stand in Wonder Woman stance -- feet slightly apart, arms akimbo -- and feel my strength!

The stories we tell ourselves and the pictures we carry around in our heads have a powerful impact on our daily lives. We are the narrators of our own lives, which means we have a choice about how we respond to life events. We may not get to choose what happens to us, but we have choices about what our story will be. And the illustrations we choose for these stories? Well, you know what they say a picture is worth.

26 Wishes

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.”

~ Neil Gaiman

Dear Friends and Family,

I didn't get it together to send a holiday card this year. Not that any of you are counting, but this is the third year I haven't gotten it together to send a holiday card. In January 2013 I actually ordered cards, but then I started thinking about leaving my marriage so sending out a family holiday card seemed just the tiniest bit inappropriate. In January of 2014, I took a super cute photo of my kids and my dog, but decided holiday cards were a luxury I should forgo in light of my limited finances. This year? Mostly it's inertia I'm embarrassed to admit. But, although I am too lazy and busy to mail a card, I am not without wishes for the coming year, wishes for my life and yours. So, in no particular order, in 2015 may we:

1. Get enough rest so that we're awake for our lives.

2. Read good books and talk about them with friends.

3. Eat good food, preferably around a table with family and good friends.

4. Walk in the woods and settle into the silence.

5. Walk on the beach and appreciate the magnitude of the ocean.

6. Hike in the mountains and experience awe and wonder.

7. Sing! -- around campfires, in churches, in backyards, along with the radio, fearlessly.

8. Face our fears and take risks.

9. Learn something new -- an instrument, a craft, a skill, about a person or period in history.

10. Make things -- homemade soup, fresh bread, stories, poems, art, whatever brings us pleasure.

11. Share ideas and have interesting conversations. Brainstorm.

12. Listen to music -- old favorites and something new and different.

13. Watch engaging movies with popcorn.

14. Invite friends out for coffee and conversation.

15. Send greeting cards to friends and family just because.

16. Make a new recipe and invite friends over to share it.

17. Spend time with our thoughts and dreams -- on long walks, writing in a journals, daydreaming.

18. Do something to make the world a little bit better -- take action on issues we care about.

19. Let go of things that aren't working for us anymore.

20. Do something joyful and spontaneous every now and then.

21. Tell the people we love that we love them -- regularly and often.

22. Listen more.

23. Say thank you a lot.

24. Help someone. Help a lot of someones. Ask for help when we need it.

25. Forgive -- other people and ourselves.

26. Ask ourselves often, what do I love. And therefore, how shall I live?

I feel optimistic about 2015. It is starting off on the right foot, with opportunities for growth right from the get go. Blessings friends. You enrich my life in big and small ways every day. Happy New Year!

With love and gratitude,

Charla