Collision Course?

"...I thought of one true thing, 

which is that sometimes I act as juvenile as I ever did, 

but as I get older, I do it for shorter periods of time."

-- Anne Lamott

My daughter Frances is 14, fresh from middle school and eager to move on to the next phase of her life. This summer she is taking huge leaps and bounds toward maturity and independence. So far, she is taking them with grace. She started taking Japanese at the community college this week, three hours a day. Today she took the city bus to and from her class for the first time. I started taking the city bus to orthodontist appointments in the fifth grade, but somehow this seemed like a big step to me when she did it today.  She got through a whole day, doing new and challenging things, hardly needing me at all. Later this summer she will be travelling to Japan with three other teens. It's hard to imagine her so far away, an ocean between us. But I am so excited for her. She is growing up, trying her wings, and it is thrilling to watch.


Frances has dreams. She is learning to play the guitar and she practices late at night in her room. She is imagining a future, full of possibilities. All of adulthood lies in front of her. I have dreams too. I have been playing my guitar in my room at night recently, writing songs for the first time in a very long time. My dreams are smaller now, pocket sized compared to adolescent dreams. When I was 14, I wanted to be a famous singer or writer. Now I just want to sing and write. Just because I love to do these things. You can keep the fame. I don't think I was cut out for it anyway.


We tend to focus on the turmoil of adolescence and midlife. And it's true that people make bad choices and take careless risks during these transitional times. Emotions run high, hormones are throwing a kegger inside our bodies. Frankly I was a little frightened at the prospect of navigating midlife at the same time my daughter was navigating adolescence. Would either of us be mature enough to handle it? Would we be on a collision course, hormones in the driver's seat? Would I be able to keep a cool head? Would I try to play out my dreams through her in some twisted unhealthy way? Would I be jealous that she has it all in front of her and hasn't had time to screw things up yet?


We're early into this phase right now, but I'm optimistic. In some ways Frances and I want the same thing: A little time to explore who we are and what brings us to life, a little loosening of the tethers that have bound us together through her childhood. I'm sure there will be some challenging mother daughter moments in the years to come. But I have faith in Frances. She has a good head on her shoulders and she makes good decisions. And I have faith in myself. I have a pretty good head on my shoulders too.  I don't want midlife to be about regret and the mourning of lost dreams. I don't want to wear clothes that are too tight for me and try to hide my age by borrowing my teenager's makeup. I want midlife to be about possibility. I don't want to high jack Frances' dreams. I want to show her that it is never too late to find what you love.