Keeping the Shark Alive

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. 

Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."

 --Katharine Hepburn

A couple of weeks ago, I shared a reflection at my Unitarian church about the wisdom I received from one of the disabled students I work with. The things I learned from her were: Everyone wants to be seen, everyone wants to be heard, everyone wants to be touched, and patience gives you time to really see, hear, and care for a person.

I think I do a pretty good job putting these lessons into practice.... 

At work.

At home? Well, I have a confession to make. I am not always very nice to my husband. Sometimes, by the end of the day, I'm tired of being patient and understanding. I'm done being nice. But why is that? I don't think I'm alone in this. Why is it sometimes so hard to be nice to the people we're closest too? Why do the people who know us the best, bring out the worst in us? 

I don't have any easy answers. If I did, I'd probably be a nicer person. I'm hoping some of you will have some answers that might help all of us married people. I have a few thoughts though. I think a lot has to do with with the mundane, day to day chores and tasks of family life. They take up a lot of time. And it's easy to neglect spending quality time with your spouse when you've got kids to raise. But we do so at our own peril. When we don't make time to just be together (without kids, bills, chores) we forget what brought us together in the first place. He becomes the guy who leaves the bread and jam out on the counter every morning. And I become the woman who squeezes the toothpaste tube the wrong way. 

So I want to take a look at those lessons I learned from my student again:

Everyone wants to be seen: I think my husband would like me to see him as more than the guy who cleans the cat litter box. I KNOW I would like him to see me as more than just the woman who never has dinner ready when he wants to eat. I think we both want to be seen for the things we are passionate about. What brings him to life? What makes me light up? Where is the spark in each of us?

Everyone wants to be heard: Sometimes I forget to ask my husband about his day. I'm guessing he would like me to ask him how he feels more often. He'd probably really like me to listen to the stories from his day that made him smile, laugh, feel frustrated, angry. Really listen and ask questions. This is how he spends his days after all, and therefore his life. I would like him to be interested in hearing about the things that excite me. I would like him to be curious about me.

Everyone wants to be touched: We've been married a long time. We forget to give each other a kiss when we say goodbye, a hug when we return. When was the last time we held hands? Why don't I ever offer to rub his back when he looks tired? I firmly believe people need touch to feel cared for. 

Patience gives you time to really see, hear, and care for a person: Ah patience. That means slowing down and being fully present, letting things unfold as they may. That is so hard to practice with work and kids, bills and chores. I'm sure my husband would appreciate it if I didn't always sound like I was annoyed with him. I know he would like it if I slowed down, made more time for him. 

Marriage is not for the faint of heart. As Woody Allen says in Annie Hall, “A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.”  Our shark is not dead. But I think marriage means spending a lot of time resuscitating that shark. And I think kindness is necessary for basic life support. I'm going to try to remember that.

Annie Hall shark scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RFH9_M0OaY