How Old Would You Be?

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"

--Satchel Paige

I saw this quote on the side of a delivery van last week while I was walking the dog. I didn't know it was by Satchel Paige at the time, and I have no idea what business the van was with. It was there and gone in an instant. But that question, "how old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?" stuck with me. It was meant for me. You see, next week, on the day the country decides if Obama or Romney will be running the show for the next four years, I will turn 50. The big Five Oh. Half a century. Aye aye aye. I have to admit, I'm having just the tiniest bit of trouble embracing that number. It seems so, well, old.

I loved turning 30. I was a big fan of the TV show Thirtysomething. Being 30 was what cool people did. Sure Hope and Michael and Melissa were neurotic as hell, but neurotic in a cool, attractive, Pottery Barn lifestyle kind of way. 40 was a bit tougher. I had a four year old and an almost two year old. I was beginning to understand why people used to have kids when they were in their twenties. 40 year old mothers of toddlers are tired, tired people. My mom ordered a bounce house for my birthday party though, so that helped. But 50? Last night I said to my husband, do you realize that you already knew my mom when she was my age? He looked at me blankly, but I was blown away by this realization. My mom came to San Francisco to help me celebrate my 30th birthday. Paul and I were living together in a Victorian flat in the lower Haight then. Bill Clinton had just been elected president. And my mom was 49! When did I catch up with her?

Now really, this should not be as hard as all that. I haven't seen my natural hair color since 1986 so my grey hair denial is rock solid. I have been wearing empire waists, A-line skirts and tankinis for the last decade so I know how to disguise my figure flaws. And I learned at least eight years ago that I should never be left alone with my thighs in a fitting room. That's why God created on-line bathing suit shopping. Sure I've got this low grade chronic pain in my left leg and I wear progressive eye-wear now, but who cares? For the most part, I feel pretty good about who I am today. In fact, I would go so far as to say I feel more at home in my own skin now than when I was 30. I saw my friend Richard at church on Sunday. He had just celebrated his 90th birthday so I asked him if he had any advice for me as I turned 50. He just looked at me and exclaimed, "you've got four more decades!" 

I'm ready to make the best of those precious decades. I'm not a baseball fan, but I think I may add Satchel Paige to my list of heroes. He didn't let age stop him and he never let go of his dreams. He played in the Negro Leagues for 22 years before finally being allowed to realize his dream of pitching in the Major Leagues. He pitched his last game when he was about 60 (no one knew his age for sure), throwing three shut out innings for the Kansas City Athletics. When asked how old he was, he never gave a direct answer. Instead he said things like, "Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." 

So, how old would I be if I didn't know how old I was? I'm not sure, but I'm going to try really hard not to get stuck on the numbers and start taking Satchel Paige's advice. He was also the guy who said, "Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching." I'm far from done yet. There's a lot I want to do. And there's a lot to love in this life. I'd be a fool to let a number stop me. Satchel also said, "Don't eat fried food, it angries up the blood." Wise man, that Satchel Paige. I want to be like him when I grow up.