Wednesday, January 2, 2013

A Fresh Start? Up to You


"Some people seem to understand this - that life and change take time -
 but I am not one of those people."

~Anne Lamott

Well, it's New Year's Day 2013. While enjoying my friend Paul's delicious homemade Pozole earlier this evening, I had the opportunity to catch up with my old friend Jay. He reminded me that I attended his first birthday party. We have photographic evidence of this event, a black and white snapshot of the two of us sitting in a lawn chair. Jay is holding a football, and I am trying my best to pull it away from him, asserting my need for control even then.  I don't know if I succeeded in getting that ball, but I do know I have gotten many wonderful things as a result of knowing Jay. Some thirty years ago, he invited me into his group of friends and they became my friends too. We have shared romances, marriages, children, divorces, more marriages and, well, just life. We have been through lots of beginnings and endings with each other, most of which we could not have imagined.

Most endings and beginnings are not as predictable and tidy as the change of the clock from 11:59 PM, December 31 to 12:00 AM, January 1. Most fresh starts are not as simple as hanging a new calendar on the wall. They are usually tangled up together, the old and the new. And, while I am not very happy about this, I find that often I am not in control of when things end and when they begin. If I were, the demarcation between the two would be much clearer and there would be a lot less loss and grief. No one asked my opinion, however, so here we are. Beginnings and endings are rarely tidy.

The beginning of a new year is so arbitrary, however, that we do get a bit of a choice. We've got this calendar. It's got twelve pages. When we reach the end we go to the book store or one of those pop-up calendar stores at the mall and get a new one. Voila, a fresh start. ... or not. With a new year, we actually get a little say on just how fresh we want that start to be. Some people make a lot of fuss over resolutions. Some do not. Some people attend parties, countdown the minutes until midnight, watch the ball drop and pop the champagne. Some people go to bed at 9:00. You get to decide how much hoopla surrounds this particular beginning. And you get to decide if this is a good time to start something new or let go of something old.

At my Unitarian church we have monthly themes for our worship services. January's theme is Release. I'm working on a reflection on that theme for this Sunday. And I'm sure I'll be writing more about it here as well. Essentially, I see release as an opportunity to let something go to make room for something new. And I think there are at least two kinds of release. There's the kind that's like releasing a bird from a cage, a bird that carries away what no longer fits for you — self criticism, an impasse with your partner — lightening your load, and lifting your spirits as it flies. 

And then there's the other kind of release. In my experience release is often like tearing my heart open and watching a small wounded animal crawl out. And though I can’t save it, I keep clinging to it, pulling it back, because this animal — which may be an unhealthy relationship, a bad habit, a job that no longer fits — has become a familiar part of my life. And it's scary to let go of the familiar, even when it is too far gone to save. This kind of release does not fly. It limps. I don't know about the rest of you, but I seem to experience limping a lot more often than flying when it comes to release. But that's OK. Making room for something new and healthy is worth the struggle.


So, it's a new year. We've got some choices to make. Maybe things are humming along nicely for you right now. You don't want to make any resolutions or release anything. That's great. On the other hand, if you want to make room for something new, maybe you need to think about what's getting in the way. And maybe you won't know, probably you won't know, what you're making room for. Because whatever we release, one of the things that often goes with it is the illusion of control. 

Whatever you decide, I hope 2013 has plenty of peace, and opportunities for growth, and lots of love in store for you. Happy New Year to you all.










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